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Op-Ed: Gay men need to stop demanding tops, become, versatile

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Gay relationships are now more accepted than ever before in America,  which, brings the  moment  for discussion as to how they will survive — as people continue to get into them. Particularly, gay male relationships.   Gay male relationships are probably some of the most complex (given that you know: top/bottom, preferences, etc).

So, let’s discuss.   Recently,  I ran into  an old friend who (I had thought was still with his partner from about two or so years ago).  Little did I know, that “Bobby”  wasn’t actually with him anymore —  even though on more than one occasion they seemed absolutely perfect for each other.   I ran into Bobby for the first time in Atlanta  at an expo last weekend (in about a year or so since I had seen him).

We instantly clicked.   We had so much to catch upon, and, I couldn’t help but wonder where his boyfriend “Shaun” had ran off.   This is where I learned the truth, and, what actually sparked  my first of many gay columns related  to relationships and how to make them survive.


Before we begin

There are some people out there most certainly meant to be versatile, and, those that have a preference to  do  whatever in the bedroom. Although, there are some that are not. Whether that be a personal preference to be “strictly a top”  (or vice versa); a medical reason (I’ve actually met some men who medically cannot bottom due to colon issues and such) or any reason for that matter —  leave people alone.

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Sexual positions in the gay community have become such a taboo subject, mostly, because people now-a-days are trying to force this versatile  mess on just about everybody. But, I’m here to tell you — that   it is by time we stop doing that. It isn’t fair to the person who may have a preference to be the opposite of you would like them to be and so on.  Just because you  want the person to be a bottom (for you, at least) doesn’t mean that they have to do so. 


Now back to Bobby and Shaun

I was thoroughly interested in learning  more about what happened. When Bobby and Shaun had first got together during freshman year of college, I, figured they were pretty set for life.   They were cute;  inseparable,  loving, and  were all about hanging out with each other.   But,  according to Bobby,  he  was deceived about one slightly important factor about  Shaun himself (and his ability to please Bobby later on down the road).

When they met, I learned,  Shaun told Bobby that he was a bottom.    During the beginning of their relationship,   Bobby, had no reason not to believe that Shaun wasn’t (because after the influx of nude photos south of the belt from the back)…. who wouldn’t think one is a bottom?

But this is where the problem first started. Apparently shortly after I left to transfer schools,  Bobby, learned that Shaun hadn’t been honest about his sexual position and then tried to force it on Bobby that he needed to compromise and become versatile (for the sake of their relationship).

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It went a little something like this.   Bobby decided to  use Shaun’s computer one day because his was out of commission and being repaired.  Trying to do an assignment for class,  Bobby, accidentally discovered a wide-variety of porn videos on several websites. But, it wasn’t the videos  that caught his attention. It was the comments left by Shaun that did.

Indicating, that for six months  Shaun had been fully versatile the entire time and that was the reason he wasn’t having sex with Bobby.  T’was because he didn’t want to be a bottom, he, wanted to flip and such but never bothered to tell  Bobby that.

This part here guys is the entire point of this op-ed.   If you are not a particular position,  please stop trying to deceive others about it.  If you are not a bottom and are trying to romance or date someone who is almost certainly a top (don’t fool them,  their time is valuable).  

After learning the truth,  Bobby said, he ended up leaving Shaun because that wasn’t what he signed up for. I was shocked.  But it resonated with me, because, I have been down that road myself with other men.    How can we as gay men  be the first to  shout like me for me but then demand that someone change what they have clearly been for however long,  just because,   your dick is hard for the butt of a top?

Thankfully, Bobby and Shaun are still friends today. But, unfortunately, aren’t together.  The morale of this brief story is, why, must we as gay men often lie about our position to get the man that we want? Or  briefly desire from a case of lust? What happens when you discover that he is unwilling to   conform to your desires because that’s not his preference?

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By J'Marcus T. Washington II

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