As 2019 gears up to come to a close — this year has taught me how to become closer than ever with myself especially after a series of events that almost caused me to take my own life. As most of you know, about 2 years ago I was violently assaulted by a man I thought loved me. A man that convinced me to “try” new things and that I would be safe and okay being around him. 2019 has been all about confronting demons; the past, and events that reshaped the present-day version of yourself. For me, it has been a life-changing year.
I guess it was my being young and naive and having lived in pretty much a bubble. But that wasn’t the case and that wasn’t how it ended. I met my attacker Rocky Jones during the holidays 2017.
I can talk about this now because I think I’ve finally healed from the violent parts of the attack. The parts of the attack that left me so scarred I wanted nothing to do with most men in my life for a very long time. Doctors had to be female; dentists, I couldn’t be alone in a room with men who I thought could overpower me at all. The attack had virtually uprooted my entire life in a way that I didn’t and had never experienced before.
The scariest part about Rocky even to this day is that he has long argued that I could’ve left and this would’ve never happened. Truth is, that is exactly why this happened. I tried to leave Rocky after discovering he had an extensive criminal history that he lied to me about. He would take my backpack from me; hide my phone and my charger, take my shoes and prevent me from leaving. That was until the violence escalated.
When I discovered the entire picture about Rocky Jones (pictured on the right) I couldn’t believe that yet another dude had lied to me and I wanted out then and there. I confronted him almost immediately that afternoon. He forced me into his car to “talk” next thing I know we were driving around town until he left me miles from his h ouse and took my phone; backpack, and wallet with him to prevent me from not coming back to see him again.
That night after I finally made it back to his house — I found him heavily intoxicated; doing bumps of Tina, drinking, and waiting for me to arrive back at his place. I immediately went upstairs to try and find my things because I figured that’s where he had them. He followed me into his room closing the door behind me — I had a feeling at that moment that one or both of us was going to die that night or come unbelievably close to it.
Tywon will never understand the permanent scars he left on me as a person. He is the very reason I avoid other tops; that I have trust issues, and more often than not refuse to be around too many other men.Sultan H. Khane II
I just had no idea that it was going to be me. He tried to flip the script like I had been acting up and that I was wrong for trying to leave him over his lies about his past (he didn’t just have weed convictions. I’m talking domestic violence history; battery, assault and battery, etc). I pleaded with him to go back downstairs and that it was over. I just didn’t want him anymore.
I saw the violence in his eyes. It was like it had almost jumped out at me. “If I can’t have you nobody can,” he shouted at me while lunging at me toppling me over and into the leg of a computer chair. Twice my size in height — terror had hit me at that point. By that point, I was dizzy from hitting my head; couldn’t see very well, but had noticed that my pants had been taken off. Before I knew it I’m pinned down on the floor because Rocky is on top of me — exclaiming that if he can’t have me nobody will and that that night was the night that I was going to die.
I remember crying my heart out pleading with him to get off me so I could leave. At one point I couldn’t even breathe after the third. “shut up” he had begun strangling me and. almost accomplished the worst possible outcome. of. that in itself. That moment was one of the moments in my life. that Allah. had declared. that it wasn’t my time to leave this world yet — because holy crap he finally got off of me because he thought he really did kill me.
But the violence wasn’t over yet. He forced me to sit on the bed after that telling me that if I told anybody he’d tell them we were rough-housing so they wouldn’t believe that I had been violently attacked.
He repeatedly asked me why I was leaving. And I stuck to my guns. I told him I couldn’t be with a guy who couldn’t be honest with me. And then the next trigger came. I realize now that each time I made it clear to him that we were done – – something in his mind had been triggered.
Reading beyond this point may be emotionally traumatic for some because beyond this point contains details about violent sexual assault. I’m sharing these details for the first time because I want others in the community to stop this act pretending like stuff like this doesn’t happen. Some gay men out there truly are crazy and mental illness in this community is an almost life-threatening problem. Survivors come in all types of people — I’m a survivor on all fronts.
At this point, Rocky once against forced himself on me telling me that I was going to have sex with him and enjoy it if I wanted to leave him. But truth is, I didn’t want to have sex with him and had no intention of doing it. But that didn’t matter. Rocky proceeded to hold me by the throat with one arm after he refused to let me up and leave — and opened my legs with the other.
Deep down I felt broken inside. I knew. even though I was being raped (and he did so repeatedly) I would have to pretend. to comply if I even wanted to think about making it out of that. bedroom alive. The sexual violations Rocky committed against me haunt me to this very day. Fists in my butt; unwanted cum in my ass, all that mattered to Rocky was the fact that he had overpowered me and he felt like he won.
“You like that. You want me. Say you want me” he said again and again as he raped me a 2nd and a 3rd time before I finally managed to free my hands enough to bang on the wall. A bang so loud that it finally triggered a man. downstairs to come upstairs and bust down the door.
Only having busted it down after realizing I was screaming for help. It was because of that man that I was able to make it out alive of that house. It was because of. that man that I was able to escape that house and call 9-1-1.
That is my story.
In the weeks following the attacks, I would learn that one of the reasons why Rocky raped me repeatedly was because he intentionally was trying to pass on HIV to me (because I was trying to leave him.) But by the grace of Allah, it didn’t happen. The police department that handled this case is/was so anti-gay and un-trained to handle same-sex domestic violence — that they classified (eventually) this as two friends who got into an argument. For that reason, Rocky today is still a free man even after having tried to take my life from me because I told him “no” and wanted to walk away.
According to the NCADV, 26% of gay men and 37.3% of bisexual men have experienced rape, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetime, in comparison to 29% of heterosexual men.
Domestic violence among the gay community is an issue. And it’s real.