This is edition #3 of our column listen to him. In this edition we’re answering two different e-mails for this column. Listen to Him is our weekly column about millenial gay black men and beyond that are struggling with their own situations and quite possibly how to talk about them.
This is where I come in. As the curator of this series, I answer each of the e-mails each week in the best way I know how: authentically.
“My partner has approached me after about 6 months of dating and now wants to open our relationship to the idea of unprotected sex. He thinks it’s something that we need to further our intimate connection, I however, am not entirely sure that is something that I would like to do. It’s not that I don’t trust him, I just feel like I’m not the kind of person to want to do that. What do I do? I don’t want to lose him.. he’s a pretty awesome guy”
Davonte, 25, Washington D.C
Dear Davonte,
First and foremost I think that’s pretty awesome that you and your boo have managed to remain together even for that long (it’s not all that common in the gay community). Secondly, this is concerning. While I don’t have the full context of your sex life with him… I will say this…
No matter your position you should only do things that you are comfortable with (in whatever form that may be). I know plenty of people that regardless of the length of time, unprotected sex just isn’t for them and often makes them feel uncomfortable. If you’re not okay with doing it I’m going to say that at some point he’s going to have to understand that. That isn’t and actually has never been something that someone can force you to do.
Manipulating someone into stuff like that should never occur and if that does happen it may be time to consider ending the relationship.
Sincerely,
Sultan Khane II
“My boyfriend of more than 4 years has suddenly asked me to marry him. I absolutely without question love him very much. But the idea of marriage hasn’t set well with me and I couldn’t give him a direct answer because I don’t think I’m the type to need a marriage to validate my relationship. He says its whats supposed to happen and thinks that I am sleeping around meanwhile I’m just trying to tell him that it really isn’t my speed.
And then on top of that we’ve only lived together part of the time during our relationship. I don’t want to complicate things or change the way things are that we have. His house is “considered our house” but we have our own separate space. I’ve always been a firm believer in personal space but I know that if we were to actually marry he’d want to live under the same roof. Putting those two things together… im… just lost. ”
Gordon, 28, Dallas Texas
Dear Gordon,
I had this happen to me once and I ended up actually rejecting the proposal all together. I do not regret having passed it up. I think everybody in some sense wants and longs for the idea of their own version of a marriage — because truthfully their are so many possible versions of what a marriage could be out there. This is what makes it difficult.
So here’s my advice to you and your situation. If he’s after your hand in marriage and you are absolutely not with it I would make that crystal clear to him and then let him decide. Some men in this world absolutely are after the idea of their perfect marriage and what not. This could be very important to him but not as much to you. Unfortunately this is a decision he has to make and is going to result in either you staying with him or you simply leaving him because you two aren’t on the same wavelength for your future.
Sincerely,
Sultan H Khane II
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