This is an op-ed by me (SHK) two weeks after my husband and I separated. This op-ed is not a direct reflection of the idea or beliefs of marriage of anybody else at this paper, except SHK (me).
Marriage is a beautiful thing, and, for me, it was just that. It was a beautifully eloquent learning lesson, that, despite its own tragic downfall — taught me a heartwarming lesson about what it means to love another. It taught me that, despite the many years I was forced to appear perfect, I, am actually farthest from it. It, by all means, taught me that just like anybody else — when you strip away the name and the newspapers.. am insecure just like everybody else.
For many years, the facade of the glamorous person I had become, had become the socially acceptable norm in which most people saw me. Shaved up; labels in hand, perfect image, not a scandal in sight. It was the very epitome in which my career had been built on. The socially acceptable, and, approachable “star” who hadn’t let the sudden rise to the top go to his head. But, behind enemy lines, there was a deeper battle that I struggled with on my own.
Over the years, I’ve lost sight of who and what I was before the name. Because, before the name, I was lost without much of anything not even two people to call Mom & Dad. I dived insecurities and all, face first into Hollywood. It has since cost me some of the greatest friendships I’ve ever had; my own family, and literally much of anything I have ever really cared about.
A battle that to this day, I, partially blame for the failure of my marriage. As someone who has grown up before the eyes of the world, I, have only a few real insecurities. I’ve always been the type, to, look the other way when someone says something (so that necessarily wasn’t the insecurity I had always battled with..).
As a person, I realized long ago that I am not the most attractive of the bunch. And that’s okay. Actually the realization that I wasn’t, perhaps, was the eye-opener I needed to understand that image wasn’t everything (certain people would also later reiterate that, and, teach me just that). This is where the lesson in my marriage began.
In almost all of my relationships (including my first marriage), I’ve, had one core issue. I’ve always been the one that has been the provider; the do-gooder, the put together soft spoken negro, that, usually kept his mouth shut when things seemed off. This is also where I learned the importance of communication. I had always been that way because I was biologically programmed to understand that at all-costs, I as the man, am to provide and conquer for my family.
It’s sort of a simple regret that I have, that, for whatever reason it was so hard to tell my husband that I was insecure about his love for me. That, I, felt the need to abuse my power to watch what he was doing — to gratify my inner gut — that no matter what he did he was doing me wrong. It comes from the fact that I’ve never had a real relationship, my first longterm boyfriend (and also my first husband) both ended because one was used me for the image and the other I’m not actually quite sure what he was even there for.
I had tried to drop several hints, most, small compared to what they should have been. But, they didn’t work. This eventually (after several hours of crying in the VIP section of a Manhattan bar) made me realize that allot of my issues stem from who I am and not what I am. My insecurities are largely at the hands of my career, because that’s usually what people see, rather than the person I present.
While I do cop to the fact I had abused the powers behind my newspaper to watch what he was doing, I, had no part in the other stuff that was posted online. Allot of which, I, had never seen before. I still held no judgement though, in fact, through it all, I stayed up until about two weeks ago.
I wrongly tried to force my husband to be the perfect man I thought he could be, even though, that wasn’t my place whether he was ready to be such or not. And that, perhaps, is another of my biggest regrets. I think that was in part, because, I have never wanted for anything. My entire life, for the most part, I’ve had nearly everything I’ve ever wanted. But, as someone who got older, I, had wanted my husband. Someone I could help grow; have fun with, and show the wild things that life has to offer.
And for that, I, have to not only deeply apologise to my ex-husband Tauras Smith. I also have to apologize to the very same staffers I deployed to do what I did, and, watch what he was doing. Now single (and legally seperated pending divorce) , I, can honestly say that these are some of the toughest times I have ever experienced. There isn’t a moment that goes by, that, I wish I could turn back the clock and undo what I did. It wasn’t out of bad faith; aggression, or anything like that — it was because I hadn’t yet figured out if he loved me like I loved him. And that, out of all things in my life, was/is the scariest thing I’ve ever had to think about. Not knowing, if, someone that I married loved me like I love them.
But I went about it the wrong way. Like I learned in my upperclassmen year, I, would later obtain a domineering personality when I need to have one. I would maintain that personality for many years (even today). There are people; friends, business associates (and more) that are awkwardly terrified of me – because I wield much more power and influence than I had ever really realized.
I blame myself though. My own insecurities stemming from my career, plagued, what was supposed to have been the most magical time of my life as a grown man. These are all lessons I am now learning newly separated, and, of all cities to do such in, living in New York City.
Separation or not, I, will still keep to my word as for the Top 100 Ceremony. I still intend to honor Tauras the same way in which I intended to just as when we were married. I hope this sort of serves as a lesson to others, who, marry someone. It is never easy. You will be insecure. You will doubt yourself. You will have questions. You will ask yourself did you just make the right decision, or did you not? And, that’s entirely okay.
Being insecure is okay, because, all people are different. Me, however, I am seeking help for my own insecurities. Because after 16 years, I, never had anyone there along the way to guide me and tell me how to do what I’ve done. It was me, or the highway, no way else. I was never afforded the opportunity to learn how to deal with insecurities.